It was 4.30am on a chilly night in The Shire when three Unwise Men boarded a coach with nineteen street-wise Hobbits. The Hobbits, all of varying size and smell, were in a quest to recover a great treasure, ‘The Dev’, a grey, crescent shaped bust of a mystical creature found only in The Shire. The ‘Dev’ had ventured to the land of the Long White Cloud after being lured by maleficent forces.

The first part of the Odyssey was relatively smooth, but still, not without incident. The first challenge, or labour as we will refer to them, took place as the merry team of travellers prepared to depart our land. The spiritual leader of the band, Frodotom, misplaced a magical card which was to be used to sustain both he and his loyal side-kick, Willsamwise, throughout the long and arduous journey. Crisis was averted however when Frodotom decided that the magical card had been stolen and left it in the hands of the police. The magic of the card was that a back-up soon appeared and was immediately put to use, and all was good in the land of Frodotom and Willsamwise. The ‘stolen’ card magically appeared in the customer service centre of the terminus after being handed in by the thief.

The unlikely band of 23 touched down in the Land of the Long White Cloud without any further ado. But the second labour was fast approaching. As the main body of the band assembled for briefings, a deafening scream was heard and word came back that a Hobbit’s passport was missing, once again presumed stolen.

Without a thought for his personal safety, Warrior Hobbit, Klayamir has dashed from the safety of the terminus back into the unknown of ‘custom declarations’ dodging several Balrogs, or security personnel on the way. Klayamir has reclaimed the passport which had been left sitting neatly on a stand by the thief. Curiously, the stand was close to where the brave Klayamir had been standing moments earlier with his magic travelling backpack.

The wisest of the three Unwise Men, ElRohnd, has subsequently decreed that all passports were to be sealed in the red case of sanity for the remainder of the quest. With that, the third wisest, or unwisest of the three Unwise Men, GandAlfie the Grey, has gathered the band together to outline plans to safely traverse Orkland and continue the quest for the ‘DEV’. The group appeared a little confused by the instructions so Gandalfie has summoned the Julius Sumner-Miller of the Hobbit World, GimLachie, who assisted by translating the instructions in no less than seven separate dialects.

Mick (Roxy) Phelan

PART II NEXT WEEK – THE CRUSADES

Article added: Friday 07 July 2023